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*

I tried, you know?
It's not like I'm not curious and brave.
I am.
How often have I daunted forward?
Many times I have thrown myself headfirst into the dephts- fearless, daring and bold.
Even though I'm deeply afraid of hights and equally afraid of the dephts (can one exists without the other?) (and..no metaphor, actual depht)
But I did it and I'm still here. You see, it wasn't that bad. Yes, I know.
But it's different with people.
They really scare me. Always did.
And too many times I
said okay even though I meant no.
And no when I wanted to scream yes, yes, yes! But I always felt harassed, restricted, patronized. Forced to.
From both sides.

And most of the time I don't know what to say myself, I don't know what to do and what I should choose, what and who's good for me (or not), not even as my guts whispering watch out! or screaming at me, run, girl, run!
And either I saw everything or absolutely nothing at all
and neither was it ever pleasant nor encouraging it always seemed wrong and deceitful.
No matter where I turned to
it was bleak and hopeless and I didn't seem to fit anywhere. Or anyone.
And I accept that as a fact.
But it's exhausting.
And I'm afraid that in the end I dare to say yes and settle for less.
And that's bad.-Jane